My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
