remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
