dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
