you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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