Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
