The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
