I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
