I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
