When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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