Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
