I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
