We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
