why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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