I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
