Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Randomize
