I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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