I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
