Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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