I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
