so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
