Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I think I just sharted jello shots
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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