I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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