We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
