remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
