And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
