absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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