You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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