When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
