Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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