My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
