I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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