epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
