i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
