3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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