one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
