god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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