dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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