When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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