dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
