I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
