Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
