When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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