This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
