woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
