So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
