I just threw up on my dentist
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
