I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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