im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
