Betty ford says i'm here all night
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
