Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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